A World of Hurt

16 years ago I made the decision that would change my life forever...I got disfellowshipped. I say decision because I didn't beg not to be disfellowshhipped...and I certainly didn't repent. When I had my meeting with the Judicial committee, I was completely honest with them. I told them just what sort of things I was involved with and that I had been dating a 'worldly' guy. To my surprise, I wasn't disfellowshipped right away, I was first privately reproved. To me this was actually worse than being disfellowshipped, or at least I thought that at the time. See, Susie's dad was one of the Elders that made up the Judicial committee. He heard everything I had to say. Soo...after we all left the Kingdom Hall that day, there was no way I could call his house. I wanted to soo bad, but I just couldn't take the chance that he would answer the phone and tell me he didn't want his daughters associating with me any longer. I still talked with Susie and her sisters some, however it was less than we had before.


Just a short time later I was formally disfellowshipped. I actually don't remember exactly how the entire process happened. Perhaps I'm blocking it out for some reason. Or maybe it is just that 16 years have gone by and I've forgotten. Or, it could even be that all the emotions that I felt during that time have taken the place of the technical events, if you know what I mean. All that really doesn't matter anyway. What matters is that I was disfellowshipped. I don't actually remember telling my mom or dad, but I do remember my mother crying hysterically for a couple of weeks and begging and pleading for me to come back to the organization. I even remember my dad begging and pleading with me to do the same. Looking back now, those memories are quite painful. I love both my parents dearly, but my 20 year old self just needed to be free. That 20 year old girl had her life predetermined for her since the day she was born, and it felt like it was stifling her.

The night of my disfellowshipping, most of my family members called me to say goodbye. My grandmother was outright angry with me, which was so hard for me to hear because she was never angry with me. My aunts and cousins called begging me to 'get my life together really soon'. Of course I told them that I would...but I knew deep in my heart that there wasn't much chance in that.

My disfellowshipping wasn't some grand, thought out plan. I really never anticipated it coming. I knew I wasn't happy in the organization. It felt as though I was surrounded by hypocrisy, and I just could handle that coming from a religion that claimed to be the only 'true' one. I suppose all the upheaval in my own life contributed to me needing to leave the organization. My mother had just married a brother that didn't like me, and I (along with my family and many friends) didn't like him. Later on it would become evident that he was emotionally abusive to my mother and they would divorce. My dad married a sister who I had never even met (though the wedding occurred just months after my disfellowshipping). And, my roommate was about to get married in a few months (she moved out shortly after I was disfellowshipped). All of this going on was hard for me to handle at 20 years of age. So I guess I needed to break free.

For me the hardest thing by far I've had to deal with since being disfellowshipped is losing contact with family and friends. Just imagine that one day you wake up and all the people you've known and loved your entire life suddenly won't talk to you. Think of how that would make you feel. Well, that's exactly what happened to me. Once I was disfellowshipped, my entire family stopped speaking to me (except my mother and occasionally my father). All my friends stopped speaking to me. Even May who was 'worldly' herself. Every last person that knew me...Allie...from birth to 20 years old. Every person that watched me grown into an adult, every friend I ever had in the organization stopped speaking to me. This by far has been the hardest thing I've ever had to deal with in life, including the death of my father a few years ago.

Unfortunately I still live in the same part of town so I still see JWs I knew all the time. My in-laws live on the very same block as one of the Elders (and good friend of my grandparents) of my former congregation. I bump into JWs all the time in the supermarket, while traveling to and from work, while shopping in stores. They all do that same thing...glance at me then look away really uncomfortably. That hurts like hell.

The hardest thing ever though was when my father-in-law died. I was at my in-laws house when someone knocked on the door. I answered it thinking it was  more friends of the family coming to pay their respects. The woman at the door started to talk and I thought to myself she looked vaguely familiar. As she kept talking I realized she was a JW, but I couldn't bring myself to say I was disfellowshipped

Every now and then random conversations come up with different people where they mention how they have so many life long friends. I think that's wonderful for them, but I also can't help but to think of all the friends I've lost. It's been hard since I got disfellowshipped. Making new friends as an adult hasn't been particularly easy for me. I've made some, but I always felt as though I was hiding something from them by not telling them of my JW past (I've never discussed that with anyone except my husband). The day my husband and I got married was one of the hardest days of my life because I had no friends there to celebrate with me. I felt as though my new family would think  I was strange or a loser for not having a close circle of long time friends like they all had. That is something I still struggle with today.

As I'm getting older, I'm now 36, I'm trying to figure my life out. I've known for a long time that I have no desire to go back to the Organization. I also realize that I have to step outside of my shell and be more outgoing so that I can develop friends. The Organization makes it hard to fit in well with those on the outside, even after you've left. But, I'm working on it. Everyday is a struggle. Some days I couldn't care less about all those I've left behind in the Organization, other days I long to speak with a family member or old friend. But that's my burden in life that I must carry. What is your story? How has life been for you since your disfellowshipping? Have family and friends turned their back on you? Or do you have a great support system? Please share your experiences. We can all be a wonderful support system to each other...