I'm writing this blog entry from the unlikeliest of places...my mom's home. Now if you've read any of my previous posts, you know that my parents are JW's. They divorced when I was a teen and my dad was df'd. My dad did get reinstated when I was in my late teens, but both my parents moved on and remarried. Mom is divorced again...I think her ex got df'd too, but I'm not 100% sure about that.
Anyway...long story short, hubby and I are getting work done in our house so we needed a place to stay for a week or two. I wanted a hotel but hubby didn't want to spent the extra money, which I hate to say but he's right. So, that meant we would have to stay with family. Both our mother's welcomed us with open arms...so how in the world did we end up at my mom's house??? Crazy right?! Well my mom had the most space with free bedrooms for us to use. So here we are.
Needless to say I was a little stressed out the day before we moved in, worried about what to expect. Honestly I expected constant lecturing, preaching, and jabs about how I need to get my life together. I'm happy to say that after one week none of that has happened. She's been perfectly warm and welcoming and has pretty much left us alone...not in a bad way but just giving us some space.
But here is my concern: Being here I've actually gotten a chance to see just how much time she spends 'studying' Jdub publications. It is actually disturbing to me. These publications are simply the writings of men in Brooklyn who want to shape and mold the Organization into what they want. In no way do I think these publications are "inspired of God" as JW's often claim. While at mom's house last summer I picked up a WT magazine just to see what they had to say. It was about unemployment or lack of financial resources. Anyway as I'm reading the article, I was stunned at the advice they were giving! It was a load of crap! They were not giving sound financial advice as to how people should deal with an economic downturn, instead they were telling people to basically trust in God and he'll take care of them. I grew up reading this crap and back then I never saw anything wrong with it. After over 16 years of not picking up one of those magazines, I can really see how the Organization brainwashes people into believing it's the "only true" religion.
From what I remember of the Organization they are against higher education. They feel that pursuing higher education could open one's mind to all sorts of unhealthy and dangerous thoughts, like thinking rationally and for one's self. Remember, the Organization feeds off of those who are weak. Those who are experiencing turmoil, grief, poorly educated, and overall all just dealing with hard times. That's when they can capture people by promising them that things will get better. 'Remember paradise' they love to say. 'This world won't be here much longer'. That last sentence I heard regularly since I was a small child...and now I'm almost 40 yrs old.
Here's my point, any organization, be it religious or otherwise that is against free thinking or thinking for oneself is suspect. No one should ever seek to stop you from thinking outside the box and thinking about what is best for yourself, for your family. Sometimes what one is looking for doesn't fit within the nice neat boxes organizations like religions present to us. The one think that I've learned over my years of being df'd, is that having the ability to think for myself, freely, has opened up a whole work of opportunities that I would have never had had I stayed in such a stifling organization. And for that I'll never be sorry....
Sunday, April 10, 2011
Friday, April 1, 2011
Hypocrisy, Facebook, and Jehovah's Witnesses
Jehovah's Witnesses are some of the most hypocritical people I've ever met. I've been on Facebook for a while now. Most people are. It has been great; I've been able to reconnect with people I lost touch with over the years. I have a cousin who is also df''d and we keep somewhat in contact with one another. Our friendship on Facebook has allowed us to keep in closer contact despite our very busy schedules. However, once we were "friends" on Facebook, an interesting thing started to happen....JWs started sending me friend requests. The people sending me the requests were all people I knew while I was still a JW. Most of them were best friends with my cousin, and I knew them from her. I can't say I was extremely close with them, since growing up I was a few years older than them (and back then that made a big difference!). I have to admit I was surprised they were 'friending' me. I even had to ask my cousin if they were all df''d because I knew many of their families well and their fathers happened to be Elders. My cousin's response? "Oh they are cool. They don't care about all that." I was still a little confused as to whether they were active JWs or not. I couldn't imagine active JWs associating with a df''d person, simply because all my friends decided I was unworthy of their friendship when I was df'd. So, I asked my cousin to clarify. She told me that they all still went to the meetings, but that she was just as close when them now as she had been before she was df'd. They were even in her wedding...though they all got flack for that from the Elders when they found out.
I was shocked! I couldn't believe the fortune of my cousin! The fact that she was able to keep all her life long friends once she was df'd when I lost mine was great for her. I can't lie, I was even a little jealous of that. Based on what she told me, I decided to friend them all. I started to notice a few things right away. First their posts. Their language would never be allowed in any JW Kingdom Hall. Second, their pictures. I started to notice that they were throwing birthday parties for their kids and going to Christmas parties, both of which are big no-no's in the Organization. I also noticed that each of these women were either divorced (after getting married way too young at 18 or 19) and were now dating 'worldly' men. Remember, most of these women are daughters of Elders! I was shocked. I am still shocked.
As time has gone by I've seen them post pictures of themselves at various conventions, then in the very next set of pics they are posting pics of their kids birthday party, or at some night club dressed in a way that no 'god fearing woman' would. I am truly amazed that these women have managed to keep one foot in the Organization, maintaining all their familial relationships, while doing just as they pleased on the outside. Even more surprising, their children are all involved. I often wonder how they manage to keep their children from telling Elder grandpop about their birthday/Christmas/Halloween party?
What I've concluded is that this behavior isn't unusual. There are many in the Organization that are living lives just like these women. Though I never wanted to exert the energy of maintaining a double life, many were just fine with it. I see evidence of this attitude every time my mother calls me for some random conversation while keeping the fact that she talks to me at all a secret from all other JWs. I wonder why bother keep one foot in and one foot out of an Organization that makes adults feel the need to sneak around when they just want to live a different life. I don't understand it, and probably never will. I just know that sort of dishonesty isn't for me because I want to live an open life, a life without secrets and deception.
I was shocked! I couldn't believe the fortune of my cousin! The fact that she was able to keep all her life long friends once she was df'd when I lost mine was great for her. I can't lie, I was even a little jealous of that. Based on what she told me, I decided to friend them all. I started to notice a few things right away. First their posts. Their language would never be allowed in any JW Kingdom Hall. Second, their pictures. I started to notice that they were throwing birthday parties for their kids and going to Christmas parties, both of which are big no-no's in the Organization. I also noticed that each of these women were either divorced (after getting married way too young at 18 or 19) and were now dating 'worldly' men. Remember, most of these women are daughters of Elders! I was shocked. I am still shocked.
As time has gone by I've seen them post pictures of themselves at various conventions, then in the very next set of pics they are posting pics of their kids birthday party, or at some night club dressed in a way that no 'god fearing woman' would. I am truly amazed that these women have managed to keep one foot in the Organization, maintaining all their familial relationships, while doing just as they pleased on the outside. Even more surprising, their children are all involved. I often wonder how they manage to keep their children from telling Elder grandpop about their birthday/Christmas/Halloween party?
What I've concluded is that this behavior isn't unusual. There are many in the Organization that are living lives just like these women. Though I never wanted to exert the energy of maintaining a double life, many were just fine with it. I see evidence of this attitude every time my mother calls me for some random conversation while keeping the fact that she talks to me at all a secret from all other JWs. I wonder why bother keep one foot in and one foot out of an Organization that makes adults feel the need to sneak around when they just want to live a different life. I don't understand it, and probably never will. I just know that sort of dishonesty isn't for me because I want to live an open life, a life without secrets and deception.
Thursday, March 31, 2011
Memorial Season 2011
I came across something the other day that really made me tick. Since I got married, my mother has taken it upon herself to preach to my husband. Whenever she sees him she interjects some form of JW thinking into the conversation. But what really makes me upset is when she puts letters that she writes (of course she's counting that time too!) along with magazines or invitations to special assemblies or events like the memorial in our mailbox addressed to my hubby. As I was going through some mail, I found the envelope with the letter and invitation to the memorial that she put in our mailbox. I've asked her not to do this many times, but she doesn't listen. She'll ask if my hubby got the letter, which the answer is always no. Hubby has already told me he has absolutely no desire to be a JW or go to their meetings. But my mother just doesn't let up. Not only does she leave letters at our house, I have the feeling she's doing the same at my in-laws home. I don't know for sure, but I am pretty positive she's done so on occasion. Anyway, it just really pisses me off when she does this. It feels at though she is using my connections to those around me as her personal territory, taking it upon herself to harass others by constantly preaching to them.
I have absolutely no desire to go back to the JW cult. Yes I do believe it is a cult. I am sad that my mother is so heavily entrenched in the cult, but that's her life. My only wish is that mother, or all JW's for that matter, could understand that everyone has the right to believe as they chose.
On another note, I've been finding lots of other ex-JWs out there. I came across a woman named Moxie on youtube. Her story was eerily similar to mine. For anyone with questions about JWs or for those that are struggling with life after leaving the Organization this youtube channel is great.
http://www.youtube.com/user/VanCoffeeChick
I have absolutely no desire to go back to the JW cult. Yes I do believe it is a cult. I am sad that my mother is so heavily entrenched in the cult, but that's her life. My only wish is that mother, or all JW's for that matter, could understand that everyone has the right to believe as they chose.
On another note, I've been finding lots of other ex-JWs out there. I came across a woman named Moxie on youtube. Her story was eerily similar to mine. For anyone with questions about JWs or for those that are struggling with life after leaving the Organization this youtube channel is great.
http://www.youtube.com/user/VanCoffeeChick
Sunday, March 27, 2011
A World of Hurt
16 years ago I made the decision that would change my life forever...I got disfellowshipped. I say decision because I didn't beg not to be disfellowshhipped...and I certainly didn't repent. When I had my meeting with the Judicial committee, I was completely honest with them. I told them just what sort of things I was involved with and that I had been dating a 'worldly' guy. To my surprise, I wasn't disfellowshipped right away, I was first privately reproved. To me this was actually worse than being disfellowshipped, or at least I thought that at the time. See, Susie's dad was one of the Elders that made up the Judicial committee. He heard everything I had to say. Soo...after we all left the Kingdom Hall that day, there was no way I could call his house. I wanted to soo bad, but I just couldn't take the chance that he would answer the phone and tell me he didn't want his daughters associating with me any longer. I still talked with Susie and her sisters some, however it was less than we had before.
Just a short time later I was formally disfellowshipped. I actually don't remember exactly how the entire process happened. Perhaps I'm blocking it out for some reason. Or maybe it is just that 16 years have gone by and I've forgotten. Or, it could even be that all the emotions that I felt during that time have taken the place of the technical events, if you know what I mean. All that really doesn't matter anyway. What matters is that I was disfellowshipped. I don't actually remember telling my mom or dad, but I do remember my mother crying hysterically for a couple of weeks and begging and pleading for me to come back to the organization. I even remember my dad begging and pleading with me to do the same. Looking back now, those memories are quite painful. I love both my parents dearly, but my 20 year old self just needed to be free. That 20 year old girl had her life predetermined for her since the day she was born, and it felt like it was stifling her.
The night of my disfellowshipping, most of my family members called me to say goodbye. My grandmother was outright angry with me, which was so hard for me to hear because she was never angry with me. My aunts and cousins called begging me to 'get my life together really soon'. Of course I told them that I would...but I knew deep in my heart that there wasn't much chance in that.
My disfellowshipping wasn't some grand, thought out plan. I really never anticipated it coming. I knew I wasn't happy in the organization. It felt as though I was surrounded by hypocrisy, and I just could handle that coming from a religion that claimed to be the only 'true' one. I suppose all the upheaval in my own life contributed to me needing to leave the organization. My mother had just married a brother that didn't like me, and I (along with my family and many friends) didn't like him. Later on it would become evident that he was emotionally abusive to my mother and they would divorce. My dad married a sister who I had never even met (though the wedding occurred just months after my disfellowshipping). And, my roommate was about to get married in a few months (she moved out shortly after I was disfellowshipped). All of this going on was hard for me to handle at 20 years of age. So I guess I needed to break free.
For me the hardest thing by far I've had to deal with since being disfellowshipped is losing contact with family and friends. Just imagine that one day you wake up and all the people you've known and loved your entire life suddenly won't talk to you. Think of how that would make you feel. Well, that's exactly what happened to me. Once I was disfellowshipped, my entire family stopped speaking to me (except my mother and occasionally my father). All my friends stopped speaking to me. Even May who was 'worldly' herself. Every last person that knew me...Allie...from birth to 20 years old. Every person that watched me grown into an adult, every friend I ever had in the organization stopped speaking to me. This by far has been the hardest thing I've ever had to deal with in life, including the death of my father a few years ago.
Unfortunately I still live in the same part of town so I still see JWs I knew all the time. My in-laws live on the very same block as one of the Elders (and good friend of my grandparents) of my former congregation. I bump into JWs all the time in the supermarket, while traveling to and from work, while shopping in stores. They all do that same thing...glance at me then look away really uncomfortably. That hurts like hell.
The hardest thing ever though was when my father-in-law died. I was at my in-laws house when someone knocked on the door. I answered it thinking it was more friends of the family coming to pay their respects. The woman at the door started to talk and I thought to myself she looked vaguely familiar. As she kept talking I realized she was a JW, but I couldn't bring myself to say I was disfellowshipped
Every now and then random conversations come up with different people where they mention how they have so many life long friends. I think that's wonderful for them, but I also can't help but to think of all the friends I've lost. It's been hard since I got disfellowshipped. Making new friends as an adult hasn't been particularly easy for me. I've made some, but I always felt as though I was hiding something from them by not telling them of my JW past (I've never discussed that with anyone except my husband). The day my husband and I got married was one of the hardest days of my life because I had no friends there to celebrate with me. I felt as though my new family would think I was strange or a loser for not having a close circle of long time friends like they all had. That is something I still struggle with today.
As I'm getting older, I'm now 36, I'm trying to figure my life out. I've known for a long time that I have no desire to go back to the Organization. I also realize that I have to step outside of my shell and be more outgoing so that I can develop friends. The Organization makes it hard to fit in well with those on the outside, even after you've left. But, I'm working on it. Everyday is a struggle. Some days I couldn't care less about all those I've left behind in the Organization, other days I long to speak with a family member or old friend. But that's my burden in life that I must carry. What is your story? How has life been for you since your disfellowshipping? Have family and friends turned their back on you? Or do you have a great support system? Please share your experiences. We can all be a wonderful support system to each other...
Just a short time later I was formally disfellowshipped. I actually don't remember exactly how the entire process happened. Perhaps I'm blocking it out for some reason. Or maybe it is just that 16 years have gone by and I've forgotten. Or, it could even be that all the emotions that I felt during that time have taken the place of the technical events, if you know what I mean. All that really doesn't matter anyway. What matters is that I was disfellowshipped. I don't actually remember telling my mom or dad, but I do remember my mother crying hysterically for a couple of weeks and begging and pleading for me to come back to the organization. I even remember my dad begging and pleading with me to do the same. Looking back now, those memories are quite painful. I love both my parents dearly, but my 20 year old self just needed to be free. That 20 year old girl had her life predetermined for her since the day she was born, and it felt like it was stifling her.
The night of my disfellowshipping, most of my family members called me to say goodbye. My grandmother was outright angry with me, which was so hard for me to hear because she was never angry with me. My aunts and cousins called begging me to 'get my life together really soon'. Of course I told them that I would...but I knew deep in my heart that there wasn't much chance in that.
My disfellowshipping wasn't some grand, thought out plan. I really never anticipated it coming. I knew I wasn't happy in the organization. It felt as though I was surrounded by hypocrisy, and I just could handle that coming from a religion that claimed to be the only 'true' one. I suppose all the upheaval in my own life contributed to me needing to leave the organization. My mother had just married a brother that didn't like me, and I (along with my family and many friends) didn't like him. Later on it would become evident that he was emotionally abusive to my mother and they would divorce. My dad married a sister who I had never even met (though the wedding occurred just months after my disfellowshipping). And, my roommate was about to get married in a few months (she moved out shortly after I was disfellowshipped). All of this going on was hard for me to handle at 20 years of age. So I guess I needed to break free.
For me the hardest thing by far I've had to deal with since being disfellowshipped is losing contact with family and friends. Just imagine that one day you wake up and all the people you've known and loved your entire life suddenly won't talk to you. Think of how that would make you feel. Well, that's exactly what happened to me. Once I was disfellowshipped, my entire family stopped speaking to me (except my mother and occasionally my father). All my friends stopped speaking to me. Even May who was 'worldly' herself. Every last person that knew me...Allie...from birth to 20 years old. Every person that watched me grown into an adult, every friend I ever had in the organization stopped speaking to me. This by far has been the hardest thing I've ever had to deal with in life, including the death of my father a few years ago.
Unfortunately I still live in the same part of town so I still see JWs I knew all the time. My in-laws live on the very same block as one of the Elders (and good friend of my grandparents) of my former congregation. I bump into JWs all the time in the supermarket, while traveling to and from work, while shopping in stores. They all do that same thing...glance at me then look away really uncomfortably. That hurts like hell.
The hardest thing ever though was when my father-in-law died. I was at my in-laws house when someone knocked on the door. I answered it thinking it was more friends of the family coming to pay their respects. The woman at the door started to talk and I thought to myself she looked vaguely familiar. As she kept talking I realized she was a JW, but I couldn't bring myself to say I was disfellowshipped
Every now and then random conversations come up with different people where they mention how they have so many life long friends. I think that's wonderful for them, but I also can't help but to think of all the friends I've lost. It's been hard since I got disfellowshipped. Making new friends as an adult hasn't been particularly easy for me. I've made some, but I always felt as though I was hiding something from them by not telling them of my JW past (I've never discussed that with anyone except my husband). The day my husband and I got married was one of the hardest days of my life because I had no friends there to celebrate with me. I felt as though my new family would think I was strange or a loser for not having a close circle of long time friends like they all had. That is something I still struggle with today.
As I'm getting older, I'm now 36, I'm trying to figure my life out. I've known for a long time that I have no desire to go back to the Organization. I also realize that I have to step outside of my shell and be more outgoing so that I can develop friends. The Organization makes it hard to fit in well with those on the outside, even after you've left. But, I'm working on it. Everyday is a struggle. Some days I couldn't care less about all those I've left behind in the Organization, other days I long to speak with a family member or old friend. But that's my burden in life that I must carry. What is your story? How has life been for you since your disfellowshipping? Have family and friends turned their back on you? Or do you have a great support system? Please share your experiences. We can all be a wonderful support system to each other...
Friday, March 25, 2011
Thank You!!
I just want to tell you all about a fantastic site I stumbled on several months ago called Ex Jehovah's Witness Forum and Recovery Site. http://exjehovahswitnessforum.yuku.com/directory This site has helped me in more ways that I can explain. It is a venue in which all ex-JW's can feel free to discuss all the problems and issues that have occurred in their lives as a result of taking the stand to leave the Organization. The decision to leave the Organization is a hard one. For many like myself, being disfellowshipped means that you lose all your family and friends. You become an outcast among the very people you love the most. But, having sites like this forum can really help one to deal with the loneliness and sadness that can result from being cast out of one's family. Reading the stories of others shows us that we are not alone. And though we may all be separated by many miles, the connection we all share is great, and can actually be supportive and inspiring.
Please check out the site. I don't always post myself, though I read many posts quite often. I'm sure this site can help you just as it has helped me and countless others.
Please check out the site. I don't always post myself, though I read many posts quite often. I'm sure this site can help you just as it has helped me and countless others.
Susie + Lake Placid = Disfellowshipped??
So, I met a girl named Susie. Funny thing is, for her to be such a big influence in my life, I can't even remember just how I met her. (This is when I would normally call Susie to see if she remembers, but that could never happen now that I'm disfellowshipped.) I suppose the way we met really isn't all that important, but rather that we met. She was just what I needed in my life without me even knowing. She was full of energy, full, outgoing, crazy, silly, and most of all...exciting. I actually had a best friend at the time, and her name was Marie.We were instant best friends since we met the first day of the 5th grade when I was the new kid in the class and school. I loved Marie, but Marie quite frankly, was becoming rather boring. JW indoctrination was really doing a job on her personality. There was no longer any fun, excitement, or curiosity in life. So when Susie came along with all those qualities, I was head over heels in like with her!
Susie came from a very large family, 10 kids in fact! Her dad was an Elder in one of the local congregations and she and some of her sisters were well known for their fun attitudes. As an only child (well kind of, but I'll explain that later) I loved being around Susie and her siblings and they quickly incorporated me into their lives. Susie was actually #9 child out of 10, so some of her siblings were actually like cool big sisters to me, which was great!
Everything changed though with one ski trip to Lake Placid, NY. Three bus loads of JW young people all went for a 4 day weekend to the secluded mountain town. It was fabulous! To this day I'm surprised the trip actually occurred at all since there were mostly 20 something year olds traveling without real chaperons. Though I really didn't want to, my mother actually encourage me to go since she thought it would be good for me. I'm so glad I went because at 18 I had one of the best times of my life. Susie, three of her sisters, and I all went and met so many new, fun and interesting people. And best of all, we met many very cute, single, and available brothers! That was a definite plus! Of all the people we met that weekend, two actually had a big impact on my life from that point on: a brother named Ted and a sister named May.
May was a great sister. She was the same age as Susie and I, and like us she was silly and fun. That weekend Susie and I adopted May into our close friendship and it was now a threesome. May was a little different from us though. Unlike Susie and I, her family wasn't closely tied to the Organization. Her father was disfellowshipped just as mine had been (yes my dad was reinstated by this point) but her mother wasn't even baptized. May was trying her best to be a faithful JW, and on the surface she was. But as far as that weekend goes, Susie, May and I had tons of fun.
Ted was a nice guy. As we got to know each other we found out we had a friend in common. I thought he was nice to talk to, though I honestly didn't think much else of him...until the last day of the trip. As we were all packing to leave the resort, Ted asked me if he could keep in contact with me and gave me his phone number. Thinking nothing of it I told him sure since I loved making new friends. When I mentioned it to Susie, I didn't get the reaction I thought I would. She was furious with me, and actually stopped speaking to me. When I tried to find out why she was so upset, she wouldn't tell me. After speaking with one of her sisters, we came to the conclusion that Susie liked Ted and was upset he didn't ask to keep in contact with her. I found her before getting on the bus and apologized and even got rid of Ted's number, but Susie didn't budge. What followed was a very long, and sad ride home.
A few days later, Susie finally calmed down and things between us and went back to normal. I tried to put what happened between us on the ski trip in the back of my mind, and focus on just having fun and enjoying life. Susie and I starting spending more and more time with all the new friends we had made on the ski trip, including May. Like I mentioned before May was a great girl, though her family was full of troubles much like my own. But, unlike my family, May didn't have a strong JW support system within her family. I noticed when May and I spent time together, she was becoming more and more questionable as a JW. There were a number of occasions where her behavior was actually 'worldly'. I never said anything about it though since May and I were friends.
Around my 20th birthday I got my driver's license! It was a great day for me and the first thing I did was take my closest girlfriends for a ride. Being able to drive meant freedom for me. This new mobility also meant that May and I could spend even more time together (she lived in another part of town). May started suggesting various places to go when we would go out. She first took me to a night club....a big no-no for a good JWJW gatherings. May was quick to join in, dancing with several of the guys there at the club. This was one of the first times that I realized just how much the Organization shaped and controlled our lives. Anyway, as my uneasiness grew, May agreed to leave. While May and I never discussed what had just happened, I knew that our friendship was taking me down a different path than I hadn't anticipated, and I never told Susie.
Though Susie and I were still friends and hung out often, May and I also were spending lots of time together. (I should have explained to you that by this point I was a regular pioneer...though not one month did I ever met the 90 hr requirement for field service. Wait....I'm not even sure it was 90 hrs; its been so long I can't remember. But I do remember filling out those time sheets and lying on every one of them!) May and I also started spending more and more time with friends that really weren't considered 'good association'. Susie and I were still friends, though her reaction on the ski trip really hurt me. So I started pulling away ever so slightly from Susie.
During this time I felt lost. I wasn't particularly close with Susie any longer. Though we still spent time together, I was keeping secrets about my activities with May. And, though May was lots of fun, she really wasn't the friend Susie had been. For that matter she wasn't even the friend Marie had been. I started to feel as though my world was closing in on me. It felt as though the Organization was too confining, like it was choking the life out of me. I started really wishing I was no longer a JW, though the thought of leaving the Organization was crazy in my eyes. So, I kept going through the motions, feeling like a boat lost at sea.
My part-time job brought me in close contact with lots of 'worldly' people, especially guys. To me, these guys were different from those in 'the truth', and that was good to me. Several would ask me out, but I turned them down. After all, I was still a JW. What happened next wasn't planned, and honestly I don't even fully remember all the details. What I remember most are all the hurt feelings involved.
Susie came from a very large family, 10 kids in fact! Her dad was an Elder in one of the local congregations and she and some of her sisters were well known for their fun attitudes. As an only child (well kind of, but I'll explain that later) I loved being around Susie and her siblings and they quickly incorporated me into their lives. Susie was actually #9 child out of 10, so some of her siblings were actually like cool big sisters to me, which was great!
Everything changed though with one ski trip to Lake Placid, NY. Three bus loads of JW young people all went for a 4 day weekend to the secluded mountain town. It was fabulous! To this day I'm surprised the trip actually occurred at all since there were mostly 20 something year olds traveling without real chaperons. Though I really didn't want to, my mother actually encourage me to go since she thought it would be good for me. I'm so glad I went because at 18 I had one of the best times of my life. Susie, three of her sisters, and I all went and met so many new, fun and interesting people. And best of all, we met many very cute, single, and available brothers! That was a definite plus! Of all the people we met that weekend, two actually had a big impact on my life from that point on: a brother named Ted and a sister named May.
May was a great sister. She was the same age as Susie and I, and like us she was silly and fun. That weekend Susie and I adopted May into our close friendship and it was now a threesome. May was a little different from us though. Unlike Susie and I, her family wasn't closely tied to the Organization. Her father was disfellowshipped just as mine had been (yes my dad was reinstated by this point) but her mother wasn't even baptized. May was trying her best to be a faithful JW, and on the surface she was. But as far as that weekend goes, Susie, May and I had tons of fun.
Ted was a nice guy. As we got to know each other we found out we had a friend in common. I thought he was nice to talk to, though I honestly didn't think much else of him...until the last day of the trip. As we were all packing to leave the resort, Ted asked me if he could keep in contact with me and gave me his phone number. Thinking nothing of it I told him sure since I loved making new friends. When I mentioned it to Susie, I didn't get the reaction I thought I would. She was furious with me, and actually stopped speaking to me. When I tried to find out why she was so upset, she wouldn't tell me. After speaking with one of her sisters, we came to the conclusion that Susie liked Ted and was upset he didn't ask to keep in contact with her. I found her before getting on the bus and apologized and even got rid of Ted's number, but Susie didn't budge. What followed was a very long, and sad ride home.
A few days later, Susie finally calmed down and things between us and went back to normal. I tried to put what happened between us on the ski trip in the back of my mind, and focus on just having fun and enjoying life. Susie and I starting spending more and more time with all the new friends we had made on the ski trip, including May. Like I mentioned before May was a great girl, though her family was full of troubles much like my own. But, unlike my family, May didn't have a strong JW support system within her family. I noticed when May and I spent time together, she was becoming more and more questionable as a JW. There were a number of occasions where her behavior was actually 'worldly'. I never said anything about it though since May and I were friends.
Around my 20th birthday I got my driver's license! It was a great day for me and the first thing I did was take my closest girlfriends for a ride. Being able to drive meant freedom for me. This new mobility also meant that May and I could spend even more time together (she lived in another part of town). May started suggesting various places to go when we would go out. She first took me to a night club....a big no-no for a good JWJW gatherings. May was quick to join in, dancing with several of the guys there at the club. This was one of the first times that I realized just how much the Organization shaped and controlled our lives. Anyway, as my uneasiness grew, May agreed to leave. While May and I never discussed what had just happened, I knew that our friendship was taking me down a different path than I hadn't anticipated, and I never told Susie.
Though Susie and I were still friends and hung out often, May and I also were spending lots of time together. (I should have explained to you that by this point I was a regular pioneer...though not one month did I ever met the 90 hr requirement for field service. Wait....I'm not even sure it was 90 hrs; its been so long I can't remember. But I do remember filling out those time sheets and lying on every one of them!) May and I also started spending more and more time with friends that really weren't considered 'good association'. Susie and I were still friends, though her reaction on the ski trip really hurt me. So I started pulling away ever so slightly from Susie.
During this time I felt lost. I wasn't particularly close with Susie any longer. Though we still spent time together, I was keeping secrets about my activities with May. And, though May was lots of fun, she really wasn't the friend Susie had been. For that matter she wasn't even the friend Marie had been. I started to feel as though my world was closing in on me. It felt as though the Organization was too confining, like it was choking the life out of me. I started really wishing I was no longer a JW, though the thought of leaving the Organization was crazy in my eyes. So, I kept going through the motions, feeling like a boat lost at sea.
My part-time job brought me in close contact with lots of 'worldly' people, especially guys. To me, these guys were different from those in 'the truth', and that was good to me. Several would ask me out, but I turned them down. After all, I was still a JW. What happened next wasn't planned, and honestly I don't even fully remember all the details. What I remember most are all the hurt feelings involved.
Wednesday, March 23, 2011
What?? A 14 yr old can't make life altering decisions? Tell that to the JW's!
Hi All!!! I'm back!! I just realized I've been totally rude. I never introduced myself to you all. My name is Allie...and I'm an ex-Jehovah's Witness! Nice to meet you all. :-)
Ok...so I left off with my baptism at 14 years of age. I'm disgusted just thinking about it. The funny thing is, the Organization makes read that book (for the life of me I can't remember the name of it) and go through the question and answer session with an elder so that they can determine if you are really ready to get baptized. Here's the funny thing about that....all the answers are right in each paragraph. All you have to do is pick out the answer and read it. It isn't rocket science. And it certainly doesn't test weather you are really ready for such a life changing event. I can tell you all that even at that age, I really didn't believe what I was being taught. I always wondered how do we really know Jehovah's Witnesses are the only true religion?
Anyway, the process went smoothly and I got baptized at the District Convention for my area with a bunch of my friends. I forgot to mention to you in my last blog that one of the reasons I wanted to get baptized was so that the weekly family study my mother and I had would stop. I hated those studies! I assumed that once I got dunked all that studying with her would stop. Not a chance! Anyway, once I was baptized I got instant respect from those in the congregation. Instantly I was "good association" and everyone wanted their kids around me. I was picked to do so many parts on programs, including one at the Circuit Assembly.
So an Elder in my congregation was doing a part at the Circuit Assembly dealing with obstacles kids had to overcome being a witness. I really couldn't think of anything. Sure I had a violent, disfellowshipped dad, but lots of kids in the Organization seemed to be fatherless. So the Elder prepped me. He started asking me about how much television I watched. I watched the normal amount of television for any JW kid my age. But that wasn't good enough. The Elder told me to say I watched many, many hours more a week before I got baptized than I really did. My memory is hazy but I'm thinking the number was something like 40 or 50 hours a week. That number was no where near true, since I did go to school every day and had homework just like any other kid. I also had family study, preaching on Saturday and Sunday, and don't forget the five meetings a week. But hey, what did I care, I was gonna be on stage! So showtime comes and I say what he told me. Here's the funny part: there was an audible gasp from the audience and my mother and grandmother were mortified! LOL As the part continued, the Elder also had me say that after I got baptized I reduced the amount of television I watched to only 10 or 15 hours a week. Big difference right? Funny thing is, both numbers were way off. Looking back I'm not really sure how much television I watched, but I can say that the Elder told me to LIE! That is for sure!That was my first and last experience of ever being used in any assembly program. There loss because I think I was great!
The following years were about the same I guess for any JW. I had lots of friends, some in my congregation and lots in others. It was during my early to mid teenage years, 15-17, that slowly but surely many of the teens in my congregation started getting publicly reproved or disfellowshipped or simply fell away. I really couldn't understand what was going on. One girl that was a few years older than me got pregnant when she was 17 I believe. Her family was mortified. I wasn't close with her, but I did notice the way the congregation treated her differently once she was publicly reproved. Another girl, this one younger than me, got pregnant when she was only 14. Though she was baptized, she was also publicly reproved. But like the other girl, the congregation treated her like she had the plague. Next, one of my very close girlfriends was sent to live with her "worldly" dad by her mother because...well actually I never was told why she was sent away. She wasn't baptized, and her dad lived 3 hours away in another state, so we lost touch. In fact, I wasn't even told she was leaving, just one day she was gone. I wonder what happened to her?
Noticing a trend yet? When I turned 18 though was when my world was really rocked. Two extremely close friends of mine got disfellowshipped. The first one was my friend we'll call Jessica. Jessica was actually the cousin of the girl that was sent to live with her father. Jess was 2 years older than me and we were great friends. Our mothers were very good friends, and still are to this day. Since Jess was older than me, I always wanted to be with her, and be like her. When she was just 18 years old she married a JW brother who actually had a 3 year old daughter at the time (he was 26). I was one of her bridesmaids in her wedding that June. By September she announced that not only was she pregnant, but that she had made the biggest mistake of her life getting married. She said she realized that her husband only wanted a trophy wife, not a real wife. She had the baby, but a short time after she was disfellowshipped.I'm not really sure what caused her to be disfellowshipped.
Around that same time another good friend of mine got disfellowshipped, we'll call him Jake. Jake and I were very close friends. He and I went to the same congregation, along with Jess, however Jake and I were the same age. We were always friendly, but we got really close after we were on the Circuit Assembly program together. Yes, the Elder told him to lie too!! Anyway, Jake had some problems in school. He was a really bright kid but kept getting into fights at school, so he was kicked out. Instead of putting him in another school, his parents made him drop out of high school during the 10th grade. Oh, and I suppose I should mention that his mother was 14 and his dad was 18 when he was born. Just thought that was an interesting fact.
Anyway, in the early 1990's when college degrees were becoming more and more necessary, these two JW parents (the father was an Elder also), decided the best path for their son was to make him a high school dropout and regular pioneer. Smart move, right? (Could you sense the sarcasm?) Anyway, me and Jake began spending more and more time together under the guise of doing streetwork. How silly of our parents. The funny thing is, our parents were thrilled. His parents loved me and mine loved him. Our whole families were very close. But, that wasn't what we wanted. During this time, Jake decided to move just outside our city to be roommates with another brother we knew. The other brother was about 7 or 8 yrs older than Jake and was pretty stable in JW life. Jake on the other hand was 18 yrs old, and was working in the real world for the first time in his life. And that's when Jane entered his life.
Jane was a worldly woman. She was several years older than Jake, and had a lot more experience. Jake was used to living with his whole family, and spending lots of time with his friends. But he confided in me on many occasions that he was lonely. More specifically, he wanted a girlfriend. He and I were just platonic friends at the time, but I could understand where he was coming from. So along comes Jane and Jake is now a goner. Though Jake was a Ministerial Servant at the time, he started dating Jane. They dated and then she got pregnant...or so he thought. (She was actually lying to him about this.) But when Jake heard the news, he felt he should do the right thing and get married. His parents were mortified. I vividly remember the day his mother begged me to talk him out of it. But what she didn't understand was that I couldn't. Though I loved Jake like a brother, I had to let him live his life. I actually wrote him a letter, telling him how much I'd hate to lose him as a friend, and to please think hard about marrying Jane, but I never sent it. Instead, I threw it out in the trash, and let Jake live his life without a single word from me.
I don't have to tell you that not only was Jake forced to step down from being a Ministerial Servant, he was disfellowshipped. That was the hardest meeting I ever had to go to. During that year I lost 2 of my closest friends. But, I was still a JW, and I was determined to enjoy my life and have lots of friends and fun. During this time I met a daughter of an Elder from another congregation, we'll name Susie. Little did I know that my friendship with Susie would lead me to changing my life forever by walking away from "the Truth". But that's a story for another day....
Thank you all for taking time to read my story. I'm sure it isn't unique, but I'm hoping that all that I have experienced can help someone else in some way. Leaving such an religion is probably the hardest thing anyone can ever do. Losing family and life-long friends is not an easy process. There is much uncertainty, skepticism, fearfulness, and depression. But my point is to show that there is also joy. Leaving the Organization has proved to be one of the best decisions of my life. I look forward to sharing more insight into my journey to find peace, love, and happiness...
I welcome all of you to share your experiences, whatever they may be with us all. We all can learn form each other, and gain strength from each other. So...who was that person in your life that helped you get the strength to leave Jehovah's Witnesses? I'll share my story of Susie next time....
Ok...so I left off with my baptism at 14 years of age. I'm disgusted just thinking about it. The funny thing is, the Organization makes read that book (for the life of me I can't remember the name of it) and go through the question and answer session with an elder so that they can determine if you are really ready to get baptized. Here's the funny thing about that....all the answers are right in each paragraph. All you have to do is pick out the answer and read it. It isn't rocket science. And it certainly doesn't test weather you are really ready for such a life changing event. I can tell you all that even at that age, I really didn't believe what I was being taught. I always wondered how do we really know Jehovah's Witnesses are the only true religion?
Anyway, the process went smoothly and I got baptized at the District Convention for my area with a bunch of my friends. I forgot to mention to you in my last blog that one of the reasons I wanted to get baptized was so that the weekly family study my mother and I had would stop. I hated those studies! I assumed that once I got dunked all that studying with her would stop. Not a chance! Anyway, once I was baptized I got instant respect from those in the congregation. Instantly I was "good association" and everyone wanted their kids around me. I was picked to do so many parts on programs, including one at the Circuit Assembly.
So an Elder in my congregation was doing a part at the Circuit Assembly dealing with obstacles kids had to overcome being a witness. I really couldn't think of anything. Sure I had a violent, disfellowshipped dad, but lots of kids in the Organization seemed to be fatherless. So the Elder prepped me. He started asking me about how much television I watched. I watched the normal amount of television for any JW kid my age. But that wasn't good enough. The Elder told me to say I watched many, many hours more a week before I got baptized than I really did. My memory is hazy but I'm thinking the number was something like 40 or 50 hours a week. That number was no where near true, since I did go to school every day and had homework just like any other kid. I also had family study, preaching on Saturday and Sunday, and don't forget the five meetings a week. But hey, what did I care, I was gonna be on stage! So showtime comes and I say what he told me. Here's the funny part: there was an audible gasp from the audience and my mother and grandmother were mortified! LOL As the part continued, the Elder also had me say that after I got baptized I reduced the amount of television I watched to only 10 or 15 hours a week. Big difference right? Funny thing is, both numbers were way off. Looking back I'm not really sure how much television I watched, but I can say that the Elder told me to LIE! That is for sure!That was my first and last experience of ever being used in any assembly program. There loss because I think I was great!
The following years were about the same I guess for any JW. I had lots of friends, some in my congregation and lots in others. It was during my early to mid teenage years, 15-17, that slowly but surely many of the teens in my congregation started getting publicly reproved or disfellowshipped or simply fell away. I really couldn't understand what was going on. One girl that was a few years older than me got pregnant when she was 17 I believe. Her family was mortified. I wasn't close with her, but I did notice the way the congregation treated her differently once she was publicly reproved. Another girl, this one younger than me, got pregnant when she was only 14. Though she was baptized, she was also publicly reproved. But like the other girl, the congregation treated her like she had the plague. Next, one of my very close girlfriends was sent to live with her "worldly" dad by her mother because...well actually I never was told why she was sent away. She wasn't baptized, and her dad lived 3 hours away in another state, so we lost touch. In fact, I wasn't even told she was leaving, just one day she was gone. I wonder what happened to her?
Noticing a trend yet? When I turned 18 though was when my world was really rocked. Two extremely close friends of mine got disfellowshipped. The first one was my friend we'll call Jessica. Jessica was actually the cousin of the girl that was sent to live with her father. Jess was 2 years older than me and we were great friends. Our mothers were very good friends, and still are to this day. Since Jess was older than me, I always wanted to be with her, and be like her. When she was just 18 years old she married a JW brother who actually had a 3 year old daughter at the time (he was 26). I was one of her bridesmaids in her wedding that June. By September she announced that not only was she pregnant, but that she had made the biggest mistake of her life getting married. She said she realized that her husband only wanted a trophy wife, not a real wife. She had the baby, but a short time after she was disfellowshipped.I'm not really sure what caused her to be disfellowshipped.
Around that same time another good friend of mine got disfellowshipped, we'll call him Jake. Jake and I were very close friends. He and I went to the same congregation, along with Jess, however Jake and I were the same age. We were always friendly, but we got really close after we were on the Circuit Assembly program together. Yes, the Elder told him to lie too!! Anyway, Jake had some problems in school. He was a really bright kid but kept getting into fights at school, so he was kicked out. Instead of putting him in another school, his parents made him drop out of high school during the 10th grade. Oh, and I suppose I should mention that his mother was 14 and his dad was 18 when he was born. Just thought that was an interesting fact.
Anyway, in the early 1990's when college degrees were becoming more and more necessary, these two JW parents (the father was an Elder also), decided the best path for their son was to make him a high school dropout and regular pioneer. Smart move, right? (Could you sense the sarcasm?) Anyway, me and Jake began spending more and more time together under the guise of doing streetwork. How silly of our parents. The funny thing is, our parents were thrilled. His parents loved me and mine loved him. Our whole families were very close. But, that wasn't what we wanted. During this time, Jake decided to move just outside our city to be roommates with another brother we knew. The other brother was about 7 or 8 yrs older than Jake and was pretty stable in JW life. Jake on the other hand was 18 yrs old, and was working in the real world for the first time in his life. And that's when Jane entered his life.
Jane was a worldly woman. She was several years older than Jake, and had a lot more experience. Jake was used to living with his whole family, and spending lots of time with his friends. But he confided in me on many occasions that he was lonely. More specifically, he wanted a girlfriend. He and I were just platonic friends at the time, but I could understand where he was coming from. So along comes Jane and Jake is now a goner. Though Jake was a Ministerial Servant at the time, he started dating Jane. They dated and then she got pregnant...or so he thought. (She was actually lying to him about this.) But when Jake heard the news, he felt he should do the right thing and get married. His parents were mortified. I vividly remember the day his mother begged me to talk him out of it. But what she didn't understand was that I couldn't. Though I loved Jake like a brother, I had to let him live his life. I actually wrote him a letter, telling him how much I'd hate to lose him as a friend, and to please think hard about marrying Jane, but I never sent it. Instead, I threw it out in the trash, and let Jake live his life without a single word from me.
I don't have to tell you that not only was Jake forced to step down from being a Ministerial Servant, he was disfellowshipped. That was the hardest meeting I ever had to go to. During that year I lost 2 of my closest friends. But, I was still a JW, and I was determined to enjoy my life and have lots of friends and fun. During this time I met a daughter of an Elder from another congregation, we'll name Susie. Little did I know that my friendship with Susie would lead me to changing my life forever by walking away from "the Truth". But that's a story for another day....
Thank you all for taking time to read my story. I'm sure it isn't unique, but I'm hoping that all that I have experienced can help someone else in some way. Leaving such an religion is probably the hardest thing anyone can ever do. Losing family and life-long friends is not an easy process. There is much uncertainty, skepticism, fearfulness, and depression. But my point is to show that there is also joy. Leaving the Organization has proved to be one of the best decisions of my life. I look forward to sharing more insight into my journey to find peace, love, and happiness...
I welcome all of you to share your experiences, whatever they may be with us all. We all can learn form each other, and gain strength from each other. So...who was that person in your life that helped you get the strength to leave Jehovah's Witnesses? I'll share my story of Susie next time....
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